What of today can become tomorrow?

So the future doesn't look very safe. Nothing big, nothing over time can today become tomorrow. All we have now is dreams. But we like to dream and we like to dream big.
In the meantime we are stuck here, in a country that we never dreamed of, in a lifestyle where it is all about securing the future. All about money.
None of us have ever had a big relation to any amounts of capital. Maybe healthy relations, but not any relations of interest. We've looked other places for happiness, and always achieved it. Then we found each other - in the same space and time, on this very chaotic planet.

We lived together for almost a whole year in a very small apartment in the very lively center of Oslo. It was absolutely amazing. Something more than just two bodies moved into that place, something more than just creatures seeking for a place to sleep and hide. The flat got filled with love and joy and then became a home.

Until there was no room for a foreign Australian to stay in Norway anymore. Until the date where he had to leave the country came in a short and formal letter in the mailbox. "There is no need for you in this country", the letter said. Signed by someones name. Someone that has to look through names everyday as if they were dead numbers, and sort out who to send away. My man had to leave. He had to leave his job very shortly, he had to leave his home before he was allowed to and he had to leave me, because there was no way for me to afford a life on the other side of this planet at that time (a visa is all about money).  He had to leave because he is not born in Europe and that's why there is no need for us to have him here. He might could, let's say, take up some room? But rules are rules, and the laws are hard on those who refuse to obey, so he left. He left just few days after his 27th birthday. He left on the last given date. He had two opportunities - to start a life all over again in Australia or go back to Europe as soon as possible and fight for a way to get back into where he left his heart. 

A hard time began. Two separated loved ones, living in opposite time zones for months. One thrown away from what he've worked his way into for years. One without a home. With broken hearts. With broken wallets. With dreams falling apart and time freezing. With growing anger for faceless names on papers. For rules. For statistics. For a conservative state with thick, heartless borders.

Luckily, people have hearts. Huge, warm, bloody charming hearts! 

I've myself never met so much kind and caring sides of people, of so many people, ever before. They've all had something to support with, something to say, a hug to spare, a great smile and a lending thought! And it all have made a fabulous impression on me. It's like falling in a mosh-pit, realising that all hands and arms around you catch you before you ever will reach the ground (if you are on a happy-boost). All the strangers, all the acquaintances and all the friends and family. I've never felt a bigger strength. But also hardly ever felt such a heavy, dark cloud following every footstep I took. Strangling every short break from staying conscious.

While staying at my patiently and awesome friend's sofa for weeks upon weeks, being reminded of how many great people I'd manage to capture into my life, the hard reality got nicely packed in silk and bubble wrap and any depression could never win. Seeing the sun go down while I had my breakfast and got ready for work wasn't too bad. While missing my home and my better half and a past that had gone by so fast, there was still too much good to hold on to. I looked at it as the beginning of a great adventure. (Which in reality was a heavy deed and nothing to look forward to, but once you start digging in the dark with an hopeful mind, rumblings of colour will show up and any light will become more warm than ever.)

The hardest decision I had to fully take myself was to leave all this greatness in life, all this amazingly beautiful people which I could not imagine myself without. But it was for a goal, for a future to gain the missing parts from a past and make it all complete.  For another person as much as for myself.

It happened a early winter morning in february. The snow covered the ground, and even though the landscape before my eyes seemed dead, all the white silence had a warmness to it, as a voice who spoke of transformation. Of the transformation of seasons I'd got to know so well, the transformation that never really transformed, it was just the same nature going through different phases but always remaining who it was. 

I felt sad I was leaving, but I didn't really leave. Not this time.

Now as I write my memory and thoughts open for all, I find myself stuck. Stuck in a country I never dreamed of belonging to, in a quiet life, far away from those who make my heart jump. With magic days as memories. But I have a freedom here. One of my big dreams is about to happen, a dream I share with the man that makes me forget all regrets, forget about worrying, makes me shine, makes me self aware of my mistakes but turn them into a past we can laugh of. Fills me with all I ever missed. There is never a boring moment with this better half of mine - and if there is, he's still gorgeous to look at.

I feel rich. But I am not rich enough at this moment to bring back the home we had, to share my life with a foreign man in the land of the soulful seasons and the many people with everlasting goodness. I know now that the future will be hard. Our future now depends on economy and laws no one really understand. On numbers and information some so called democratic system keeps control over. But the system gives no room for dreamers.
In the meantime we are stuck here. England is so close, so similar, but yet so far and different. It's weird to find your self as a foreigner who starts enjoying your own culture much more, just because it makes more sense to you than the new one. But living in England isn't bad. What hurts is to leave a life you fully enjoy because you have to. Because of some inhumane rules that just says so and take the decision that my man belongs to the other side of the planet because his passport says so and I belong in the cold north because my passport says so.

England is a wild wind. It will throw cold rain at us, filth from the ground in our faces, but always on this island - always in Bristol, there is a rainbow.
(Literally.)